I'm not positive these are succeeding as haiku. I can't avoid metaphor, even when I'm trying to. I want the lurch and spark of it.
The Japanese seem to have a different method for charging words -- and it's one I can't get my head around. I suspect the charge comes because there aren't very many words, and they get used over and over, and everyone has all the great haiku memorized -- something like a power of allusion, or the iconic power I mentioned once. But how do we get there in English? Or what do we do instead?
Well, for starters, we read this article:
http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiku.htm#metaphor
Thanks to Jim for sending it, as part of the liviely conversation this post provoked over at Zeugma.