More of that long poem drawn from or inspired by the biblical Book of Wisdom (part of the apocrypha). I've been working to get the rhythm right, to blend original images and drawn ones seamlessly, and keep the all images both Biblical -- feeling as if they could be 2500 years old -- and fresh. I'm not sure I'm succeeding, but it's wonderful work. This is first song, which I might call "A Song of Wonder," and the fourth, which I might call "A Song of Dust."
I.
By chance we are born
and time leaves no trace of us
Our spirit is poured
like air into air
The spark of our reason
goes out with our heartbeat
Even our names
sweep away like cloud shadows
And so we are foolish
we make pacts with death
We seek a strong passage
like the flight of an arrow
But the air heals behind us
leaving no wound
As a hunter tracks birds
so history remembers us
The blue sky a seal
that closes our names
Yet when we are broken
something comes fumbling
Your wonder within us
gathers like starlings
We dig in the ground
you are common as onions
We go out at dawn
you are there at the door
IV.
Away from you, Lord,
we are shut into trembling
Shut in an underworld
empty and trackless
We will never get out of it
we are sentenced and bound
The least thing scares us
the hissing of insects
Even the air's brush
the slurring of shadows
We are stricken with noises
the hollow hills echoing
Something draws closer
in this limitless prison
Yet you come rising
a wind sweet with blossom
You shake out our dullness
like dust from a blanket
You come to our night
with your hair full of stars
Maybe it's just me, but "air" seems so.. well, modern. And noticing the air. Aether is too 19th century, is there an Aramaic word for it?
Rhythm seems wrong in IV. It doesn't flow seems hard not like I. Just my 2 cents worth.
I agree with Meg, that there seems to be too much air in the poem. What about other words you can use in the place of air, like breath, sigh, whisper, current, wind, breeze, aura, spirit, song, feeling, tone?
I see the air and the earth in the poem, but what about balance? Where is the water and fire? In the other sections?
I'm liking this a lot. The images are very strong, especially "the least thing scares us / the hissing of insects" and "in this limitless prison"
I really like "shake out our dullness like dust from a blanket." Perfect!